Understanding and Addressing Pain with Intimacy Postpartum-Part 2
This blog post is by a guest author, our good friend Sarah Baroud. Sarah is a clinical social worker with a focus on perinatal mental health. She offers individual and couples therapy as well as speaking engagements and workshops. Sarah has limited availability for new, virtual clients. Learn more at www.sarahbaroudlicsw.com
If you’re like many of us, perhaps nothing is further from your mind in the postpartum period than being intimate with your partner. If you’ve birthed your baby, your body has just grown and birthed a whole human (or more than 1)! If you’ve adopted or arrived at parenthood through other means, this all still applies. We are all facing the new challenges of being a parent in this intense, often overwhelming phase.
In the early, foggy weeks and months of parenthood, the basics need to be reestablished. These include sleep, security and nourishment. We also must take into account any trauma that was experienced prenatally or during the birth. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs the two foundational pieces of the hierarchy pyramid are “physiological needs'' and “safety needs.” The third of the five blocks is “love and belonging.” That’s where intimacy fits in. With this in mind, we must establish the foundational pieces first. And even then, it’s not a given that either partner will be ready for intimacy beyond a hug or kiss.
Here are the five things I hope you consider regarding postpartum intimacy from my perspective as a mom and therapist.
You don't owe anyone your body
While you may be in a loving, committed relationship, your body is your body. Your partner needs to respect where you are at emotionally and physically. Setting boundaries with your partner might feel new and difficult. Clear, assertive communication is far better than none. It would be worse to feel unloved or in the dark about the status of your love for each other. Being direct is not always easy, though it’s what is necessary.
Not being interested in intercourse is NORMAL in the postpartum phase
You may get the “go ahead” for sex at your 6-week check up. That’s cool, though it doesn’t mean you MUST. 6 months, 12 months, 18 months - there’s no “right” timeline. There are so many variables that factor into intimacy and intercourse. It makes sense that it could take time to get back to a pre-baby level.
There are other ways to connect with your partner
Time to get creative! It could be through physical touch, or maybe not. Consider other love languages to let each other know you are supported and seen: meals, notes, taking out the trash, letting each other sleep in, cuddling, etc.
You are overstimulated
Your body has a new, demanding purpose now. You are holding, rocking, shushing, swaying, feeding, cuddling your baby - and more. Shifting gears to allow your body to experience intimacy and pleasure can be TOUGH! Communicating your feelings and needs with your partner is the key.
It just makes sense
You’re both tired. You are maybe still in physical pain from the birth. You both now have a baby who is the new priority. As mentioned at the start, intimacy requires the building blocks of safety and physiological needs before pleasure is available and achievable. This takes time. That might look like each partner getting more than a few hours of sleep at night, or eating more nourishing meals or processing the birth experience and coming to terms with this stage.
What to do?
Communicate and then communicate some more. You and your partner should be clear where each other stands on intimacy and connection through the process. Try not to make assumptions. You could say something like, “I love you. I want to be close and I’m also exhausted, touched out, depleted and still recovering from all I went through. I look forward to the time when we are intimate again. Let’s keep talking about it.” Or try, “Here’s how I would feel supported by you right now ____. This will help me get back to the level of closeness we had before.”
Don’t panic. Things will evolve with time. If you feel stuck, reach out to a pelvic floor PT, OB/GYN or therapist for support.
